Bringing Compassion to Family Gatherings
Every year, in one way or another, we gather with our families. It’s an age-old tradition where members of the tribe assemble to share news, stories, and legends. And in every family, there is a dynamic that can either cause joy or suffering.
The “we sweep everything under the rug” or “we pretend we don’t notice,” especially when Uncle Fred gets bombed - again. Or Cousin Jane’s endless passive-aggressive comments about the table setting, food choices, or clothes you wear.
The argument over politics that has been brewing since the end of the meal blows up over coffee and dessert. Or any of the myriad scenarios we are all too familiar with.
But what if, just for once, it could be different?
What if we could be connected to the highest version of ourselves, in Self-energy, with compassion, clarity, confidence, calm, and a sense of certainty?
What if, in that energetic space, we could observe the family dynamics and extend to every person at the table our heartfelt understanding of how they behave? What if, in so doing, we would avoid the triggers, the arguments, and the upset that causes us to swear we will never attend a family gathering again?
If this sounds impossible, I want to share some fundamental tools and techniques grounded in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy and viewing the world.
INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS (IFS)
IFS was developed by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., and is an evidence-based approach to healing trauma, anxiety, depression, and addiction processes. For more than 40 years, IFS has been helping hundreds of thousands of clients recover from their suffering and connect to their unlimited resource of Self.
We are made up of Parts. Happy parts, angry, sad, or frustrated parts. Controlling, critical, reactive, shaming, guilty, people-pleasing, minimizing, intellectual, and fear-based, to name but a few.
Parts want to protect our vulnerabilities. They either will ensure that past hurt or harm “never happens again” or that an emotion or feeling is “stuffed, soothed, or pushed out of the way.”
Parts don’t have the resources they need and tend to see the world through a narrow lens.
Parts will “blend” and merge with us, so we only see through their eyes. When we are upset, we only see upset. Sadness, anger, or other emotions are the only lens we see through when we are blended.
In addition to our parts, we have something inside us: an infinite well of pure consciousness. Calm, centered, connected, curious, cooperative, creative, compassionate, clear, and courageous. This is your “Self.”
Self has no agenda. It is the observer – the “you” of who you are. When you are in Self, you feel like you are flowing in a beautiful river without obstacles. Think of all the times when you were doing something and felt like time had stopped because you were just in the event or action with complete focus and presence—walking in nature, meditating, chanting. Yoga practice. Or a thousand other ways of being.
BEFORE THE GATHERING
About a week or two before Thanksgiving, make a list of the people who are going to be at dinner. For those who you look forward to seeing, draw a little heart next to their name. For those who might trigger you – like Cousin Jane, who will surely say something unpleasant about your new tattoo despite the smile on her face – draw a little star next to their name.
#1. Go through and begin with the first starred name, and write down everything positive that you can think of about this person. The way they dress? The work they do? Do you like their children? Husband? Whatever it is – make sure you focus on their positive qualities.
#2. Write down the qualities that bother you. The judgments, raised eyebrow, drinking? The comments, the same story told every time, the bad jokes?
Write down the parts of you that get triggered by the qualities of that person that bother you. For instance, when Cousin Jane smiles and snarks about the tattoo, the part of you that gets triggered cringes, feels shame, and then another part gets angry.
Focus on where the part shows up in your body. Does the “cringe” happen in your gut? Your chest? Just notice it. If it gets too intense, just see if the sensation will soften at the edges. Breathe into it. Allow it to be there.
Ask this part of you, “What happened? What do you want me to know about this situation?”
Listen. Be still and just listen. You will either get a “sense,” a visual, or a memory, but something will come up and give you more information about why you cringe when you get snarked at.
Just be with that. We don’t want to change it or get rid of it. All parts are welcome, and there are no bad parts. Just listen and “be” with it.
#3. Now, in whatever way feels right for you, see if you can extend some loving kindness to the part of you that gets upset—just letting it know that you “get” it and you “hear” it. Let that settle in.
Stay with this for a day or two. Reminding the part that gets upset or triggered that you “see” it and keep extending loving kindness, compassion, and heartfelt understanding toward it. Extending the idea that it is not alone – that you are here for it.
#4. It’s time to turn your focus to the person who bothers you. It may be more than one but just begin with the first one. In whatever feels comfortable for you, turn to the list of positive qualities you wrote down.
#5. Can you begin to focus on the person as someone who may not have had the easiest time of it in life? Did they have a rough childhood? Did they face challenges?
#6. Can you see where they may have parts of them that are insecure? Afraid? Hurt? Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness? Could they have parts of them that don’t feel heard? Parts that were criticized badly while growing up? Is it possible to imagine that within them are parts that are injured or even traumatized?
It may take a while, but stick with it. Focus on this person and what has happened throughout their life, up to the present.
No one has had a perfect life, and we all have parts of us that can be snarky, judgmental, or critical. When we see others showing those sides of themselves, we recognize it in ourselves.
The next few steps may take some time, but it is worth the effort.
#7. See the person who is a challenge to you as a little child—running free, being innocent and full of wonder. Recognize that when they were little, they wanted what we all wanted – to be loved, to be protected, and cared for.
#8. Now, see them as they are today. Do they carry the wounds of not being loved or cared for? Do they act in a bothersome way because they are carrying the burdens of the past?
#9. From the center of your chest – your heart center – extend to them in whatever way feels comfortable to you an intention of care and compassion. Perhaps you might visualize a light flowing from your Self to this person and soothing them. Perhaps you might visualize their own heart softening as they receive your care and compassion.
#10. Now, imagine yourself at the family gathering and seeing each person through the eyes of compassion. Imagine that as you look at the person who is triggering, you see the internal parts that were hurt, wounded, or disappointed in life. Imagine that you can see the little child in them that just wants to be loved. See yourself sitting at the table and extending authentic love to that person and the hope that they would know love and care.
Do this for every person that will be at the gathering.
It takes a little effort, but when you have completed the exercise, you will “see” them differently. Your perspective will have changed. Sometimes, when that happens, others change as well.
So when Cousin Jane says something that is typically passive-aggressive, you can smile instead of churn and perhaps even ask her to tell you something about what it was like growing up. Or what was her experience in college? First job? Marriage? Having kids?
Expressing interest in other people’s lives helps us and them. Extending kindness to others, no matter what, helps us to access our highest Self, our spiritual source, our heartfelt compassion.
Try these exercises to see your own parts - other people’s parts - and to generate warmth and love for yourself and others.
After all, what’s the best that can happen?
